I'm Getting There.

I've been busy. Very busy.

School is over for the term, as of yesterday. But I was hired by the Navy to write 6 videos aimed at middle and high school kids. That's what I'm suppose to be working on right now actually. I've also got grad school applications due at the end of the month. It's been a really rough time right now. 

And it's terrible, but I'm thrilled that the new medication my doctor put me on has a side effect of decreased appetite. I mean, that's not why I'm taking it, but I'm all about nice side effects, if I'm going to have any at all.

Oh! As of this morning, I'm down 55 pounds. How awesome is that? I only weight 235 pounds. This is awesome. I'm so motivated. I'm about 90 pounds away from goal. It's a long road, but this has been so totally worth it. 

And I've set myself a new mini-goal. In mid-January, I'm going to visit my Aunt and cousins in Chicago. I was there at the end of June, when I was still a little over 20 pounds heavier. I want to look good when I go out there. 

I've also got a wedding to go to the weekend before that trip, so I really want to look good. And I'd LOVE to be in high 220's for that wedding. 

Speaking of the wedding, Kate, the bride to be, and I are going to start going to the gym after the wedding. I have no motivation to go by myself, but with a friend, I think I might. Right now, I'm still just walking a lot. And I know that my weight loss would be even better if I got motivated and exercised. 

I think I'm going to go do some Wii Fit now. I need to use it more. My excuses are running out - I'm home more now, and my room is clean enough that I have space for the Wii Fit. Here goes nothing!

Almost To A Milestone!

I've always hated subway turnstiles. At 290 pounds, I always had to turn sideways to go through and it's become a habit. Even turned sideways, I would graze the sides. They're filthy, I didn't want to touch them anymore than I needed to.

Yesterday, I was going through the turnstile and realized something - I went through normally and didn't touch the sides! It was a really big moment for me. I can't remember the last time I was able to do that. Actually, I don't know if I ever could. I only started using the subway freshman year, and then, I weighed about the same as I do right now. 

And that brings me to the fact that I'm down to 241! A total loss of 49 pounds! I'm almost officially to the 50 pound mark - and once I pass it, I'll be in the 230's. I haven't weighted that since I was in high school (over 3 years ago). 

It's been hard for me loosing the past 5 pounds (it's taken me nearly 2 months and most of that weight loss was in the last three weeks). However, it's almost like they're flying off now. 

I feel really good. Like, really good. I think I'm really going to kick it up a notch. I want to move quicker. My band is tight, not too tight, but tight enough that I have trouble with doughy foods. I like it where it's at. 

Next weigh in at the doctor's is Wednesday. I'm excited. I like going (except for the fact that the hospital is in North Philly, which is a TERRIBLE neighborhood, and I feel the need to run from the train station to the hospital as fast as I can. Yes, it's that bad.)

I'm here! I haven't disappeared! I swear!

Wow. I've disappeared for longer than I had thought.

Things have just been INSANE. This is the second year in a row where I've produced a play for the Philly Fringe Festival. It's an amazing experience, but it's a lot of work. This year was really successful, at least in my eyes. I rented Studio 5 at the Walnut Street Theatre (which is the oldest theatre in the country). It's a 52 seat black box theatre. I've been working on this since February. Falling Gnome Productions, my company, was founded to basically produce my work. This year's show was REALLY good. I figured I'd show a few pictures from the show.

(I'm hiding behind the red arm chair - next year I won't feel obligated to hide!!!)

I love working on my shows, but I'm crazy exhausted. Worst part? I go back to class this week. (My school is on quarters - summer term ends in early September and fall term begins late September.) At least this is SENIOR YEAR. I'll be finished. Best part? I'll be skinnier when I finish college than when I started. In 9 months (or a little less) I'll hopefully have lost another 40 to 50 pounds and I'll amazing and I won't be scared to start Grad school or move out or anything.

I've been amazed at how good I feel though. Energy. I can walk up and down stairs without getting too winded. I feel great walking around the city again! It had been really hard for me to walk. Anything from walking through a parking lot to walking city blocks to get around - I could barely do it 7 months ago. I feel so great now. It's ridiculous how much better I feel. 

Argh. I hate my back and legs.

It's 3:30 in the morning and I woke up a half hour ago with incredibly bad leg pain. 

I use to get this more than I have recently. I have two herniated discs in my lower back, and in addition to back pain, it usually causes some super annoying leg pain. And it decided to do that tonight, a night where I had gone to bed early and was attempting to get a good night's sleep.

After a few minutes of tossing and turning, I went to the bathtub. Usually, if I soak my legs in REALLY REALLY REALLY hot water, it'll help for a little bit. I guess it relaxes the nerves. Tonight, it did nothing. Great.

So I'm sitting here, wondering if I'll ever get back to sleep. Tonight was suppose to be the first night back on a better sleeping schedule. Apparently my body had other plans.

At least I'm being semi-productive. I had to send a few emails, so I did that. I think I'm going to try to get back to sleep. Tylenol first? Sounds like a plan.

You know, I think the worst part of this is that the doctors said it would get better as I lost weight. The less pressure on my spine would elevate a lot of the pain. 44 pounds down and the pain is still there. That's a significant amount! I wanted that to help! A lot of the reason I did all of this was to help the pain I've been having. I wanted to see results. I thought I was well on my way. It's very discouraging. 

Ugh. I'm going back to bed. Hopefully it's better in the morning and I don't have to go to work like this. It makes sitting in a chair really hard, but standing is bad too. Too much of either one.

Wooooo!

I've lost another 1.8 pounds in the last 4 days. This whole wisdom tooth thing may have been the jump start I needed. That brings me down to 246.3. I can't believe Im almost to the 230's! I feel so proud of myself. I don't think I can fathom being smaller than 230. I don't know if I remember being smaller than that, except when I was in 6th or 7th grade. Wow. It really just hit me how much I've lost. 43.6 pounds since February. That seems like a lot when I look at it like that. Wow. 

And now, to put it into perspective. These things both weight 43 pounds. 

I feel really good right now. I still find it strange that people in my family don't believe that the insurance company would cover my surgery. I don't think they get the concept. I'm not lying when I say I weighted 290 pounds. And I'm 5.7 And that all brings my BMI over 40. And, if your BMI is over 40, the insurance company is like "Heeyyyy! Let's make you skinny!" 

They don't get that. It bugs me.

I was suppose to go in for a fill today, but can't due to school stuff. I now have to put it off for 3 weeks. I know that I still need another fill. I hadn't eaten breakfast since I went to the oral surgeon to have my stitches out this morning, so I came home with the intent of making a breakfast/lunch sorta thing. I made a slice of Ellio's pizza. It's soft and chewable right now. I didn't mean to eat the whole thing, but I did. And that's far more than I should be able to eat. I don't feel as guilty, since it was both my breakfast and lunch, but still.

I ordered some pants from Old Navy and they SHOULD be here today. I'm really excited. All of my pants are really big on me. I even had a pair almost fall off when I stood up in class the other day. I'm pretty sure that no one noticed, but still. That's a problem. 

I think this weekend I'm going to really go through and clean out what is unwearable for me. I haven't been a size 18 since I graduated high school, and even then, it was a comfortable 18. And when I started all of this, I was bulging out of my 22's. 

Puppets, Not Muppets

Oh. I wanted to share the puppets I've been working on this term! They made this term considerably better. It's been so much fun working on them.

This is my shadow puppet. The puppet itself isn't meant to be see, but rather flash light behind it onto a white screen. The head moves up and down and he chases the little person. 

This is my hand puppet project. I wanted to make a gnome, so I did. He's really cute. When I brought him home, my Dad was using him to drive the car. It was pretty funny.

This is my final project. I let myself get a little out of hand and made two so far. I might make one more to go with them. They are hand and rod puppets. I haven't put the rods on their hands yet. They really aren't that hard to make, at least to me.  And they are both my Muppet-esque project. I'm a big fan of the Muppets and these are my tribute.  

So this is the class I'm skipping today. Given that most people hadn't finished their hand puppets last week, I'm not worried about falling behind, mainly because I'm far ahead. 

Either way, I'm really proud of the way they've come out. I've put a lot of effort into them and wanted them to be the best they could be. 

Ugh. My teeth! I want them back!

My teeth hurt. Correction, my whole mouth hurts. And it sucks really badly. It's like an overall soreness. 

But I've lost two pounds. Actually, it could be more, since I haven't gone number 2 since last week. I think my diet this weekend prohibited it. I think I've had spaghetti-o's, mash potatoes, ice cream and cream of wheat, at least for the most part. So I guess that's a highlight of this weekend and, hopefully, it keeps up. 

Right now? My stomach hurts. Terribly. Like cramping pain. 

And I still have to go to class later. I'm done my project, so I'm probably not going to stay for the whole class, but still. I just don't feel like taking the trip to go down to school. Oh well.

Correction. I'm not going to class. I can't get up. And so, I'm going back to sleep.

Spaghetti-O's!

So far today I've eaten ice cream, spaghetti-o's, cake and mash potatoes.

Gotta love it.

I've decided that I'm not worrying about it. If I'm going to be in pain, I'm going to eat happy.

The procedure went well today. They couldn't put me under, because they couldn't find a vein. My veins are hard to find to begin with, so without having anything to drink before hand (you're not allowed) and so there was no IV for me. Instead, they did laughing gas and novocain. And it wasn't too bad for the first half of my mouth. Then, they had to drill out the bottom right tooth, since it was completely sideways. Then, the top right actually hurt - not even pain, but the pressure hurt.

Either way, it's over with. 

And I'm going to eat what makes me feel better. It's really not too bad, since I can't eat a whole lot anyway. 

I hope I can get a lot done this weekend, since I will be home anyway. I have two essays, a press release and a few other theatre things to get done before Monday.

Bye Bye Teeth

There's about a week and half until all of my final projects are due for the summer term at school. 

Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. I'm not overly worried, I just want it over with. The top ones should come right out, but the bottom teeth are difficult because they're coming in sideways. 

However, it is an excuse to eat ice cream all weekend. So I'm not going to complain.

The worst thing is that I have to take a steroid pack to reduce swelling. Steroids = weight gain. Always. Always. But what are you gonna do?

I go back to the surgeon next Friday for another fill.

And this was rather uninteresting. I'm exhausted and have been doing so much. I spent the afternoon and a good portion of the evening working on my final project for my puppet theatre class. It's so much fun. I'll have to post pictures so you can see what I've made. They all came out REALLY well.  I get really excited about making them. I love working on crafty things - whether sewing, scrapbooking or whatever. I'm starting to think I could easily make this a very fun hobby. 

I should probably go to bed. I have to be up early for tomorrow.

But, you know, I was thinking. I wonder how much my teeth weigh? 

Gotta Tough It Out

This is the time of the year when things get really stressful for me. It's the end of the summer term at school, which just seems to be more work than the end of any other term. And then there's preparing for the Fringe Festival, which is both exciting and nerve-racking. 

To make things worse, when I get this stressed out, all I want is junk food. Comfort food. I've always been someone to take comfort in food. Always. Ever since I was a skinny little kid and got made fun of at school, my Mom would bake me cookies. It's a way to cope. I've been really trying to find new ways to cope with hard situations, but it's baffling sometimes. I'm not sure what to do. 

I haven't been eating a whole lot, but what I do eat, is crap. I've been working on crafts, trying to get homework done and just generally trying to keep busy, but all I can think about is pizza (which I have trouble eating to begin with) and cheese fries and beer and brie with bread and Long Island Ice Tea's and pigs ears (my FAVORITE pastry, not actual animal ears or dog toys) and hoagies and everything else under the sun that I can feel making my mouth water. 

Ugh. I can't help it. And I can feel myself getting irritable (it's almost that time of the month) and it's not making the comfort food cravings any easier. I try to give myself enough to curb cravings when I have them, because I feel like if you tell yourself straight out NO to anything, it makes everything worse. 

I guess I should get dressed. We're suppose to go to a birthday party that I just don't want to go to. Oh well

Time Warp to the 40's

FINALLY!

I've made it below the 250's. I now officially weight 249.6. I've been struggling for awhile on the same few pounds, but now we're there. This also means I've officially lost 40.1 pounds - pretty awesome, isn't it?

I had a fill, I guess it was two weeks ago, and although I have a little more restriction, I know that I need more. He has me coming back in two weeks for another, as he didn't want to over do it. 

Random thought, he's now put 4cc's into my band, plus whatever was there to begin with. How does that compare with other people? I know it's not the same for everyone, I'm just trying to get an idea. 

But I'm below 250!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, excited impulse. I don't remember the last time I weighted less than 250 - but I'm pretty sure it was the beginning of Freshman year of college. I think I graduated high school weighing 225 - 230 ish and wearing a size 18 comfortably. Freshman year started and those 18's were tight and I started buying 20's. Then 22's. Then, I shoved myself into those 22's because I refused to buy a larger size. Now? The 20's are comfortable. Not overly big, but they stretch out over the course of the day, and then fall of a little bit. 

I better start going through my closet and finding my stash of size 18's. I'm going to need them soon. 

I have come to three conclusions lately.

1. I need a fill. I'm hungry. I don't like it. I haven't been really hungry in a long time. And I can eat more that I feel that I should. I NEED more food to make me full than I should. I'm not talking FULL, but just normally full - content. I go to the doctor on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

2. I need to remember to eat better. I think I give myself too much freedom sometimes. It's just, when it comes down to it, it's easier when at school. It's expensive for the good stuff and cheap for the crap. The crap is also easier to come by when everything else is closed for the summer term. This includes soda. I drink too much of it for a few reasons. It's easy to get at school, where other diet beverages are hard to come by. And I like it. It doesn't bother me to drink and it's there. Hopefully, after a fill, I won't be able to drink it anymore. I will say that it gives me terrible burping fits.

3. My Dad just might be right the moon thing. He told me, and I think I mentioned it, that your body retains more water when the moon is becoming full. I feel like I loose more after a full moon. It's been how every thing has been working at least.

On a non-band level, things are starting to get to me. I'm really busy between school, work and Fringe festival stuff. 

And now, due to my own insanity, I'm making crazy plans for crazy things for next year. I need to slow down and worry about today.

Almost to a Milestone

We're down! I lost another pound, bring me to 252 and the grand total lost to 38 pounds lost!

I'm pretty excited. I really want to get below the 250 mark before I go to the doctor on the 24th. I think that's a completely reasonable goal. It's 2 and a half weeks away. I can do this, if I really buckle down and work at it. 

I can't wait to get below the 250 mark. Being below the 250 mark seems to be another world to me right now. It's somewhere I want to be. It was my first goal - get below 250. Getting below 250 also means that I will have lost 40 pounds. 

It almost makes me want to make plans to see my Dad's family. I don't think they ever thought I'd loose weight. I'd always be the fat one. Sure, I can be smarter, work harder and do better in life than there kids, but I'd still be the fat one. I can't wait. I think I'm going to weight a little longer - maybe until I'm down 50 pounds - to make plans with them. Does this make me a shallow person? I don't think so. It's one of those things - family issues. Either way, I can't wait to show myself off. Memorial day weekend wasn't that big of a deal, mainly because my family in Chicago haven't seen me in years anyway. It makes you feel good - seeing people who haven't seen you since before surgery. Because even when they don't say anything, and my Dad's family won't, you still feel wonderful. You know they know. Does that make sense? 

Anyway. I should probably go get lunch. I only woke up an hour ago, so I guess I missed breakfast, but all the same. 

UPDATE - So, maybe eating lunch wasn't such a good idea after all. The first few bites were followed by a very long, and very painful, trip to the bathroom so that I could see my lunch again. Lovely. I'm sticking to low-fat, frozen yogurt - the Ben&Jerry's Cherry Garcia variety. A half cup is 160 calories and 3.5 grams of fat. Anytime I try to eat something normal after an 'episode', it's uncomfortable, so I avoid solids for a couple of hours.

Getting Down in Pounds and The Joy of Baseball

I've been fluctuating between 254 and 253 for about two weeks now. I just haven't been able to get down. After a weekend of splurging and enjoying myself, it's official. We're down. 252.9. I know it's not FAR down, but it's something. 

I've been really trying to get myself down below 250 for about a month and a half now. My weight loss has been VERY slow for the past two months. I lost a lot initially and it's frustrating that it's harder now. I didn't gain weight post-op, I just kept loosing. Right now, I'm 19 weeks post-op and have lost 37 pounds, officially. That's an average of 1.95 pounds a week. Now, that would be GREAT, if it was a steady loss. Like I said, I dropped so much initially that it's hard to deal with the slow pace now. 

And I really feel like I need a fill. I can eat much more than I should. We went to Wawa last night after a baseball game and I ate a Shorti hoagie, which is a 6 inch sandwich. I shouldn't be able to do that. I don't want to be able to do that. At least, after I ate it, I was comfortably full. I wasn't stuffed - but I wouldn't have been able to eat.

Yesterday, I went with my parents to a Trenton Thunder game. They're the local minor league baseball team and they're REALLY good. Well, before the game, I grabbed a pair of skinny cut jeans I had bought a few weeks ago on clearance at Old Navy and they fit even better than they did when I bought them. I was excited. Just thought I'd share.

On another note? The baseball game went on into the 14th inning - and the Thunder won 7-6. It was an amazing game. I love baseball, so any excuse to watch it for longer makes me happy.

I think I'm going to go out and get some Japanese for lunch. I've been craving sashimi and haven't had it in a while. 

The Moon's Water Weight

I had two small whole grain pancakes for breakfast, and now I feel overly full. Ugh. Not a great way to start a Friday.

I need to watch myself for the next few days. Yesterday and the day before, I wasn't a good bandster. I had brie (much more than I should have) and Sesame Chicken (which is just bad, but oh so good). The Chinese food would have been a better choice if I hadn't eaten the leftovers later last night. 

I have an appointment for July 24th for a weigh in. I'm not sure if they'll do a fill then, but I sure hope so. I can eat more than I want to be able to. 

And I need to be careful of soda. I do. Really. 

I think this is pretty funny though. My Dad told me not to weight myself as much because, apparently, you retain more water when the moon waxing than when it's waning. The moon controls the tides, so, why not? And right now, the moon is waxing and it's almost full. 

Crazy Asian Men.

Today. Today I was sitting inside because of the heat, waiting for my class. I prefer to sit outside, but it was just so damn hot. So today, I'm sitting here, across from the theatre space at school, waiting for my class that's in the basement of the theatre. 

So. I'm sitting there, reading. Then, this Asian man walks by and smiles at me, so, of course, I smile back politely. Then, another Asian man smiles at me. Again, I politely smile back. And then he comes over to me.

'Do you have the love of God in your life?' asks the Asian man. Except, his English isn't very good.

'Yes. Thanks. I do.' I lie. I want him to go away. I do not want to be saved today. Thanks.

'Are you Christian?' he asks.

'Yes.' 

'When were you converted?' Seriously dude? Wasn't yes enough for you?

'I was raised in the Lutheran church.' 

Then, he keeps going. I'm not going to bore you. My problem is, I don't want to be rude. I don't. Really. It's his thing and it can stay that way, but after a point, I told him I had to leave for class, which wasn't a lie.

This whole thing really upset me. I think it's mainly because I feel violated. 

My school is non-secular. No religion at all. I'm a spiritual person - I was raised Lutheran, but I most organized religion is full of crap. And this isn't about their faith - to each his own. Everyone has their own thing - that's great, enjoy it. But I feel like this man violated my person beliefs as well as my personal space and time. 

As I said, we're not a secular school, so I don't know why these guys were even there. I had seen them walking around earlier while I was at work, but hadn't paid any attention to them.

I don't know. I don't like being bombarded about my beliefs and I don't do it to others. It's different to have a conversation with a friend or whatever and discuss and compare, but this was really out of line. This was an accusation and condemnation. I don't know if he wanted to 'save' me or felt that all college students are heathens. Honestly, I don't care. It's over with.

But like I said, I still feel violated and hurt. I feel like, as long as you're not hurting anyone else, practice and believe in what you want. But he did hurt me - so it's not okay anymore. He invaded my world and tried to make me feel bad about what I believe (which I do not demonstrate in the outlined conversation, but happened as the conversation went on). 

Believe what you will, but don't force in on anyone, especially me. 

A Little Bit of Bragging Is A-Okay!

Yesterday (last night??) was me and Bill's three year anniversary, so he took me on the Spirit of Philadelphia. It's a dinner cruise down the Delaware River and it's nice. We get there, and he had a dozen roses at our table and a bottle of champagne. It was a really nice evening. 

I was good too, I didn't overeat. It was my first experience with a buffet post-surgery and I was a little nervous. But I was good. All the champagne I had, however, probably wasn't the best idea - but hey, it's a special occasion. 

I love that in that photo you can see the Philly skyline. It really sets the whole mood.

And there's me feeling HOT in my dress. I tried this dress on as a joke when my Mom and I were in Ross. I couldn't not buy it after how good it looked and how great I felt in it. It helped that it was only 20 bucks.

Anyway. I just felt obligated to share my photos - mainly because I felt so good in that damn dress and I had such a nice time. We danced our little hearts out too - and Bill doesn't normally dance, but it was a really good time.

If The Shirt Fits

Today was a big day for me. Not only am I down where I was before vacation (which is awesome in and of itself, and was much easier than I expected) but today, I went shopping.

I went out with the goal of going to Torrid. I had a coupon and they had their 50 percent off clearance deal going on. Mom and I got there and stopped in Lane Bryant. I bought a shirt that I had thought about months ago and was now only 10 bucks (AND a smaller size). 

We're walking past Jones New York and I look in the window at a shirt and tell my Mom how I can't wait to be able to go in there and buy that shirt. It's so cute and I just wish I could shop there. We end up going in, because they're having an awesome sale and my Mom needs stuff. So, we're looking for her and I thought to myself "I wonder if this tank top would fit me?"

So I try it on. 

AND IT FITS!

Then, having forgot about the shirt in the window, I'm wandering around and looking for more shirts to try on. 

And I see it. Right there. The shirt. And I grab it. Try it on. ANNNNNNDDDDD IT FITS TOO! It's not a perfect fit, but it fit. (Pardon how terrible the picture is - my Mom isn't good with the camera.)

I can't explain how I felt. This is the first time in a long while where I haven't had to shop in plus size specialty stores or in the women's department. It was an amazing feeling. I just couldn't believe it. 

Best part? I didn't buy anything at Torrid. 

Here's to getting smaller! - And noticeably smaller! Right now, size 20 pants are big on me and 18's are snug. When I started this, I was bursting out of my size 22 pants.

I'm really proud of myself right now. I feel good.

The Challenges of Vacation

So, vacation is a killer. However, even after eating complete and total crap for a week, I only gained a pound. I'm pretty happy with that. And honestly, I really wasn't trying too hard to make sure I didn't eat crap. I wanted to enjoy myself.

And? I really enjoyed vacation. We did a lot - and walked a lot, so I really think that helped. 

The shore was really nice. The weather wasn't great, but we did a lot. Atlantic City, Cape May, the Wildwood boardwalk. Lots of stuff. It's nice, because I finally feel like I look good. I feel good. And it just keeps getting better.

In the parking lot of the Taj Mahal.

Chicago was great too. Saw the Sears Tower (while it still IS the Sears Tower), went to Millennium Park, went to the John Hancock building and saw the Harry Potter Exhibition. Got to spend time with my cousins and Aunt Mary. The weather at night was terrible - really horrible thunder storms, but during the day, it was humid but sunny enough.

Ali and myself in a random Chicago church garden.

Worst part of Chicago was - well, there were two worst parts. Worst thing about Chicago is the traffic. It's terrible - I've never seen it like that before and at all hours of the day. The worst part of my personal trip was, on Saturday night, we went to dinner at Chili's. I had a margarita and, for my meal, I ordered a half of a turkey sandwich and a side salad. So, I eat some of the side salad, a little bit of the sandwich with bread, and then take the meat off of the bread and eat just that. And then, I had another margarita, which was a bad idea. It wasn't the liquor, it was the sheer volume of liquid I was trying to consume. And it was a really, really bad choice. I got so sick - I had to throw up in the bathroom to make things better. It just wouldn't go down. And it was all my own fault. Live and learn, right? I thought I was making better choices but I guess I should have gone without the second drink. Either way, Bill finished the drink for me, so I didn't feel bad about ordering it.

I'm happy with my progress right now. I do, however, need to really buckle down and set up a better plan. 

Looking at pictures makes me feel good now - I can see the weight loss. I've still got a lot to go, but it's not nearly as bad as it was before.

OH! And so, I was at the hairdresser with my Mom the other day. I go because I get bored and have nothing better to do. The hairdresser is a friend of ours and so it's always entertaining. But anyway, the girl who works there, she was asking how I was doing with my band and everything (she's really sweet) and I told her. And Leslie, my Mom's hairdresser's sister, asks how much I have to lose. I told her - I have another 95 to 100 pounds to loose. Her mouth dropped. She then asked, if I didn't mind, how much do I weigh. I don't care who knows - I told her, 253, as of that morning. She was shocked that I weighed that much. It really made me feel good to know that I look better than I could. 

I feel good. I'm looking better. The loss is very noticeable now. I can't wait to get to the end of this journey. I really can't. 

It's Been Put Into Perspective

So, I should probably eat something. I'm not super hungry, but considering it's 2:30 and I haven't had anything yet, I probably should.

253 feels good. Officially just 253. That's 36.7 pounds - gone forever. 

It was a funny feeling. On Monday, I went bowling with my friend Kate and her little sister, Lisa. Lisa is Miss Athlete of the Year and was bowling with a 12 pound ball, which I don't even want to lift. After I had picked it up, I realized that I had been carrying THREE of those around. It's a really good feeling when you can put things into perspective. I can't wait to be able to say I've lost a 5th grader with a book bag. My professor tells me that all the time - when he'd lost a significant amount, his friend told him he'd lost a 5th grader with a book bag. That's what I want.

This coming week will be a challenge for me. Vacation. I had practice with a mini trip over Memorial Day, and somehow, even though I wasn't good about what I ate, I still lost. But this trip will be more challenging. Sunday through Wednesday we're going down the shore. And the problem? I love boardwalk food. I mean, who doesn't? Fried anything. And everything's fried. And it's amazing. We're camping though, so we're going to do some of our own cooking, but it's still tempting. I just have to make sure I keep active while we're away. Nothing will be as bad as the cruise, where it's basically eat-yourself-until-you're-sick everyday. 

Chicago might be a challenge, I'm not sure yet. I think it'll be easy compared to going down the shore. 

Either way, I'm excited. We've got a lot planned for both places and I have a feeling we're going to have a great time.

Another Little Goal

So, I've hit a milestone. I'm no longer able to be considered morbidly obese. I've gotten below the 40 BMI range. I'm at 39.72 BMI, which is being down 36.2 pounds. I'm really proud of myself. There's been a lot of food-oriented family stuff over the past few weeks. I was away for Memorial Day weekend and there have been graduation parties and stuff like that, so I'm doing pretty well with staying on track. 

The only problem I've been having is that, well, my hair is falling out. I'm worried that I'm not getting enough protein in my diet. But I'm going to the doctor tonight, so that's a good thing. I need blood work done anyway, my thyroid has been out of whack lately. Oh well. We'll find out tonight. 

Either way, my nose hasn't stopped running for the past two weeks. Need to deal with that before next week. Bill and I are going down the shore and then flying out to Chicago. I'm pretty excited. 

Oh No! I Look Like A Ginger Kid!

Complaint of the day? Vomiting. 

I got sick this morning after eating chicken for breakfast that was probably too dry. I spent the next twenty minutes in the bathroom throwing it all back up. Great, right? Highly uncomfortable and disgusting. Chicken with ketchup shouldn't come back. Anyway, I think I'm getting too graphic. 

So, I went to the bathroom between classes and looked in the mirror and nearly screamed. My face is covered in broken blood vessels. I look like I have freckles EVERYWHERE. They're really bad. I should have known too, because this always happens when I have to strain while vomiting. I haven't had to since I had the flu in January. I haven't had that with the band yet. I mean, I've thrown up, but mostly it's when I drink something and there's no where for it to go, and I just throw back up the fluid. This wasn't that. I wish it had been. This was so much work and a lot of dry heaving. 

And everyone wonders why I'm so scared of the swine flu. I'm scared of anything that could possibly make me throw up. I've heard horror stories about people who get stomach bugs with the band. I don't want to deal with that right now. 

That was graphic. I apologize. I just needed to talk about it. I'm really worked up about the broken blood vessels. I'm in this rainy-day funk (it's been raining since Saturday) and looking like a freak is bothering me. 

Here's To The Next Step!

So I figured out why I had stopped loosing weight. Really, I hadn't be weighing myself as often due to the fact that I was waking up late and didn't have time to turn on the Wii Fit. Then it hit me. I was on the last 7 of my Pill pack. Now, keep in mind, this was my first month on the Pill. I'd been taking the Depo shot, which I loved, but they don't want you on for more than 2ish years and you don't get your period while on it so I've become accustom to not having it. Anyway, so I figured it out. I was bloated. I hadn't gained anything, but I was bloated. 

So now I'm happy to announce that - we're at 33.3 pounds down! Oh happy days! I'm still slow at this point, but I figured it out. When you average that I started the pre-op diet 11 weeks ago, that's still an average of 3 pounds a week. I'm happy with that. And right this moment, I'm at 256.6. I really want to get below 250 before I go to Chicago later this month. Memorial day weekend. If I work at it hard, I think I can do it. I'd love to go out there at my 40 pound goal. 

I also believe that I've really started to drop more inches without dropping any weight. You can see it leaving without the pounds. Still good, but annoying.

Again, the hardest part right now is making the right choices when I'm not home. Between school and socializing, we eat out a lot. It can become an issue. But what are you going to do? There's not much of a choice sometimes. But I'm working on it. A lot of sushi. And I mean a lot. I love it. It's good for you, not fried and all protein.

Here's to the next 6.7 pounds in 2.5 weeks. It can be done. But like I said, it'll need a lot of dedication.

Long time, no see

It's been a while since I've been able to post.

Things are pretty stressful right now. I'm back in classes, which is really hard, because there are no good choices here and it's really hard to find time to pack lunches. I had a hot dog and some hash browns for lunch. Only ate, oh, maybe a 1/4th cup of the hash browns. I keep telling myself I'm at least making the best choices I can with what's given. That's part of the struggle.

I haven't been on the scale in a few days. I've kind of hit a plateau after my fill. I'm at 31 pounds down and I haven't been getting further.


It's funny. I had a cupcake the other day and found I couldn't eat it because it was way too sweet for me. I've gotten so use to not having the sweets that they aren't desirable anymore.

And on that note, I'm in love with Skinny Cow ice cream products. I bought these ice cream bars that have chocolate on them and they're the size of a typical popsicle. They're 80 calories with 3 grams of fat and AMAZING. I'm a big fan of ice cream and this hits the spot. It's also great, since they're prepackaged, I don't have to worry about over indulging.


But I think part of the plateau is really the stress lately. It's not a good thing, but it'll pass. This is the first down time I've had in a few days and it's only because I have a break between classes, which I'm using to catch up on emails and such.

I might go sit outside for awhile, since it's so nice out. Just under two hours until class and I don't know what to do with myself. I'll figure it out eventually.

Live and Learn, Right?

So today is, effectively, the worse day ever.

I decided to go to the caf at school, since there are SOME options I can have. Got a small salad with a hard boiled egg and a few french fries. It was my 'treat' of the day, I wanted the potatoes over everything else they serve on campus, because it's all crap. Apparently, the universe wanted to teach me a lesson. And what is that lesson, you may ask. Well, don't eat dry potatoes OR hard boiled eggs.

I threw up onto my plate.

No one saw me.

But I put my tray on the dirty dish racks and RAN out of there.

I thought I was going to cry. I almost did.

School's the last place I want to have a problem. I was trying to be good. I was trying to eat the right things and it backfires.



Also learned over the past week that stringy meat, cooked spinach, and shrimp are not things to frequent.

Oh well. Live and learn.

Hiccups

By the way, hiccups are hard.

And so is burping. But mainly hiccups. It's painful. I mean, sometimes they were painful before, but this is different. And really hurts.

I dread hiccups.

First Fill and Epic Fail

I had my first fill yesterday. I don't want to get into how incompetent the hospital support staff is, because I don't want to get upset again, but they really ruined my day.

But anyway. I got my first fill. And I have to say, it was really neat to do the barium study under the x-ray. I can't even begin to tell you how cool it was to see the way my stomach is now processing food. It was almost like a funnel. The stuff went in, and then slowly dripped through the band.


I was fine at first. I met a friend for breakfast after my fill, got a little quiche and it went down fine. Went to dinner with my Mom, everything went down fine. I was amazed. I was expecting to have more problems.

Well, around 9, I'm having a little of my leftovers, and part of a piece of shrimp did not get chewed properly. I could feel it as soon as I swallowed. And it was painful. So I had a few sips of water, and it dislodged it enough for me to throw it back up without too much pain. It was pretty funny, almost like in the movies when someone's choking, and it comes FLYING out of the persons mouth. That was this.

Then today, I had just gotten home around 4:30. I hadn't eaten breakfast. So I was hungry. Not REALLY hungry, but hungry enough. I sat down with some low-fat cheese and some prosciutto. Apparently the prosciutto just is way to stringy for me to eat anymore. It got stuck again - I could feel it. So I took a few sips of water, and then throw up the water, but not the meat. It gradually went down, which made me feel better. I thought I was going to die. Really. I don't like that feeling. No one does.

I figure, at least I'm learning. Neither experience was THAT bad, I've heard about it taking hours to unstick things. I'd rather learn my lesson from a small experience like this, than something big and really painful.


But I'm glad I'm feeling a good amount of restriction. That makes me really happy. I still feel mentally hungry, but that's something I really need to work on. I feel satisfied in my stomach, but my brain keeps telling me to keep eating, that it wasn't enough. I'm working on it.


Oh! And yesterday, at dinner with my Mom, we had shared a meal. I didn't have much at all, and this was the first time anyone had really commented on it. The waitress was worried that there was something wrong with it - I just explained to her the truth, that I couldn't eat much, but that it was delicious.



I've been shopping for clothes. Kohl's had some great clearance stuff, and so I'm stocking up for the future. I got a pair of really nice pants, size 14, for 4 dollars. They're going in my stash. If I see something I really like that's smaller, I'm buying it, if it's cheap enough. Stock pilling so there isn't too much to buy later. It's my plan. And pants like that aren't going to go out of style.

Also bought myself a pair of new flip-flops, since I'm almost to 30 pounds. 2 more to go until I'm all the way there. They're the nice ones, from Adidas, with the smooshy padding. I wanted something better than the ones I usually buy at Old Navy and make my feet hurt.

Back to School

So the problem with staying up late is that I get hungry. I always do. 11:30 or 12 roll around, and I'm hungry. And I can't go to bed, because I've got stuff to get done, but I'm hungry. Any ideas on a cure?

Anyway. I'm at a small standstill. I think I need to work out more. My plan isn't going as well as I'd hoped, mainly because of my crazy sleep schedule. I'm disappointed that I haven't had as much time. It bugs me.



I'm nervous about going back to class. I'm worried that my eating habits will get worse. I've got a plan though, I think. It's just going to be really hard to keep on track. But I think I've got this.

Slowing Down.

I've been bummed for the past few days because my weight loss stopped. I wasn't gaining an ounce, but I wasn't loosing either.

Today I forgot to weight myself before I ate breakfast. I usually would skip it for the day, and weigh myself tomorrow. But I didn't have time yesterday morning, so I got on the scale.

Amazingly, even with having eaten breakfast and had a drink with my medications, I'm down another 2.5 pounds to a total of 27.5 pounds lost.

My next goal? To get below 260. I'll be there in just over 2.5 pounds. I can do that.


And I've been using the exercise bike. I always enjoy bike riding and I ride the bike while watching TV, so it goes by very quickly. And I get to a good pace with it.

I did try an elliptical machine at Sam's Club the other day. I really liked it, but it was 600 bucks and HUGE. Other than the fact that I can't afford that, I don't know where you'd put it if you didn't have a room just for gym equipment. They're really nice though.


You know what I just realized? Today is 4 weeks from my surgery date. So that means, in 5 and a half weeks, I've lost almost 30 pounds. I think that's pretty freaking awesome.


Here's to my next 3 pounds and being in the 250's!


Oh, and I'm really glad, my scars have been healing well. Two of them you can barely find. It's great.

Sabotage Among Friends

Eating with my boyfriend's family is ALWAYS a challenge. His mom is really strange about food. She claims she's on weight watchers, but other than the fact that she spends money on meetings, there's no other proof. 

First off, they weren't going to invite me to dinner tonight since 'She can't eat'. I think it's really rude to make that assumption and decide for someone what they can and cannot do. Secondly, I can eat. Maybe not everything, but I'm allowed food. I'm not starving myself over here. I just don't need a lot to be satisfied. 

Okay. So, she's weird about food. Once, when I was doing the low-carb diet, I picked up ONE tortilla chip and she hit my hand. Wtf, right? I was highly insulted and was really upset about this one for awhile. Low-carb doesn't mean no-carb and I think I can decide for myself if I want a single freaking chip. 

Well, tonight at dinner, she was all 'Can you eat that?' I'm pretty sure she asked about 14 times, no lie. Then, after our meals arrive, I pull a piece of quesdilla onto my plate. Bill and I had decided to share beforehand. So, I start to eat, and she keeps asking 'Do you want some of mine?' I decline several times. She just doesn't let up. 

Bill's sister and niece decided to get a dessert. I didn't want any. Not only was I comfortably full, but I don't want to waste calories on that. I'm picky about what's allowed room in my stomach. Bill's mom and dad also decided to share a dessert. Bill was with me, he didn't want anything. So, when the dessert gets there, Bill and I are offered to try both desserts, we both decline. His sister doesn't ask again. His mom asked both Bill and I over and over again, only leaving Bill alone when he tried some. I wasn't let off that easily. Only when she had finished the dessert did she stop asking. 

Now, some people would try to say she was being nice, and that's not completely wrong, she was. But for her, it's not about that, not entirely. Yes, it's nice to share, but it's something else to harass people into sharing. Bill's sister offered and when I declined, she didn't ask again. When you ask repeatedly if someone wants something, knowing that they've just had surgery and are trying to loose weight, you want to see them fail. 

I'm prepared for people like this. Not everyone can just be genuinely happy for you. She's one of them. And I can't really get rid of her, so I'll have to deal. 

25 pounds down!

So here we are! I'm 25 pounds lighter! I'm down to 264.8. And that's 25.1 pounds from my top weight. I've gotta get that .1 in there, because it counts. 8.5 percent of my weight.

I went for my post-op visit Friday and the doctor told me he thought he was going to have to go back in and change the band originally, since I was having problems swallowing for the first two days and then, because of the anesthesia, I was nauseous and couldn't swallow then either. But then, I was fine. And the doctor was thrilled at how well I'm doing. I haven't vomited, I'm able to get foods down and it's nice. And he was happy with the weight loss progress. I'm thrilled. 

I can see the difference in my clothes already. My stomach roll isn't as prominent and my face has thinned out.  I feel better. I look better. And that helps make everything worth it.

And today, I'm going shopping for the first time in months. Even though my goal is to never have to set foot in a Lane Bryant again, I have a coupon for 15 dollars off a 15 dollar purchase. I'm all about free clothes. And I'm going to buy something that won't fit me yet. I want something really pretty that will fit, say, when I get down to an 18. Right now I'm still in a 22, but those pants are damn roomy and I can fit into a shirt that I loved, but had become too tight since the time when I bought it. Now, it looks great on me.

I did that at the Gap with my Mom MONTHS ago. She found a pair of size 18 pants (there sizes run small) and they were so cute and only 5 bucks, so we bought them. We knew I'd loose the weight and that when I did, I'd need clothes to get my through each stage of sizes. I'm pretty excited about those pants too. They really were cute. 

I actually gave a lot of clothes away to a co-worker of my Mom's. She had a by-pass over the summer and I gave her what I didn't want anymore. I knew they wouldn't fit me for long and most of them were things I was bored with. I feel like it helps to help others. 

One more thing. I'm going out to dinner tonight with Bill and his family. The challenge? Last time I ate at this restaurant (Blue Sage Vegetarian Grille), I got violently sick with the stomach bug when we got home. I knew it wasn't food poisoning, but it wasn't fun at all. I can't eat my favorite dish ever again after seeing what it looked like later. The second challenge is what to eat. It's a veggie restaurant, and they don't have a lot of protein, so what to choose? Anything with their cheese is going to be fatty, since they don't use low-fat cheeses. I've been looking over the menu and debating what to get. I think I'm going to go with the quesadilla. It has both black beans and mozzarella, so even if it's a little fattier, at least it's got protein in it, unlike a lot of the stuff. Bill and I will probably share, because I can't eat much of it anyway. 

I ate too much Saturday. We went to a diner for lunch and I had gotten an egg beater omelet with scrapple in it (no cheese). It was a small portion of scrapple, which is my favorite, and so I figured, it has protein. But then, I ate too much. I could feel a tightness in my chest and, although I didn't get sick, it was really uncomfortable. Better to learn early though, right? But now I know my limits. That had been my first meal off liquids. I was thrilled to have eggs. And I guess I just got carried away with myself. 

Wii Fit, Soup and Scars

I'm in LOVE with my Wii Fit. It's an amazing thing, even if you're not using it to exercise. Lately, because I can't do much more than walk, I've been using the Wii Fit as my scale. The wonderful thing about it? The graphs. I love seeing the line graph change and go down. I love that it automatically tells you your BMI and weight. 

It's a really great thing to have something to remind you of how well you're doing. I love seeing that I've lost 20 pounds. I mean, I know I've lost 20 pounds, but the reminder is a motivator.  And I'm not the only one, my Mom loves it too. It's a fun and easy way to monitor your weight. I'm not sure I'd rely on the Wii Fit as my sole means of exercise, but it really creates a nice aid in tracking weight loss and fitness.

In other news, I'm bored out of my mind. Three weeks off from work sounds great, and it is, but whoa. This was fine the first few days - I was napping half the time and drugged up, so I didn't realize I was bored. Now that I'm not in so much pain and able to do things, I'm bored. Bored bored bored bored. That doesn't mean I want to go back to work, I love being home. I just wish I were motivated enough to do something productive. I have writing to do and craft projects that are half finished. I just don't feel like it. 

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe I'll be motivated then.

But I did make soup today, so I guess I did something. Creamy Onion Soup. It's really close to the Walkabout Soup at Outback Steakhouse. I made it lower in fat by using Light Cream and Light Cheese. And it came out great. I'll have to post the recipe tomorrow. I think I'm going to make a Shrimp Chowder tomorrow. I found the recipe in a weight-loss surgery cookbook and so it's super high in protein (around 20 grams) and low in calories. 

So, on the medical front, I'm doing okay. The back pain is completely gone, I no longer need the bandages but there's still pain at the large incision and the port. Otherwise, I'm good. Still a little tired at points, but overall, good.

I'm having trouble keeping in mind when I'm doing too much. Over the weekend, I've done this several times. Friday, I went grocery shopping with my Mom and then relaxed for about an hour before running errands with Bill. By the time Bill and I got home, I was exhausted. Not even just exhausted, but in pain, drained and felt terrible. I'm working hard to make sure I don't continue to do that. It's not to over-stretch yourself when you're trying to heal.

To A New Life

I've been banded!

Monday, February 23rd, 2009. The day my new life began.

Given that it's only the 26th, we're not that far into it. But still, a lot has happened. I had my doubts but I know, deep down, that this was the best decision I've made in a long time. 

This blog, I'm hoping it'll be helpful for myself, in dealing with everything that's happening, and help others on the journey to decide on whether or not to get banded.

The process leading up to the surgery was almost surreal. And although it took 6 months to have the surgery, the wait was worth it.

The surgery itself went well. They were able to do it laparoscopically, which rocks. They were also able to use the Realize Band, the newest band approved by the FDA for use in the US. I choose this band because the port is less prominent and won't be as noticeable. And I liked their online support system.

After they woke me up from surgery and I was crazy disoriented (I kept yelling for my mom at first, since I was scared and wanted to see her.) They took me for x-rays of the band and port. I learned then that breathing without the oxygen hurt (from the tube that was originally down my throat) and then saw my band, which was really cool. Then, they wheeled me into the hall to wait for my transport people.

And this is the worst part of the whole experience. The transport people, they didn't come. After about 30 minutes of laying there, in pain because the meds were wearing off, I asked. The nurse called. No one came. Meanwhile, I have to listen to this other lady who was making this "oh" sounds so loudly and frequent that I was about to scream. She was trying to get all kinds of attention from people. It was just annoying because when they asked if she needed help, she ignored them.

Eventually, I was in so much pain I was in tears and told the nurse. She called the transport people, and this time, obviously only because I was in pain, they came. I had sat there for an hour and a half in a freaking hallway.

So then, some nurses assistant comes in, sets up my IV and heart monitor and leaves. Doesn't leave the call button or anything. 20 minutes later, my nose starts to bleed. I have no way to get anyone, so I start yelling. I was scared out of my mind already because I had been told I'd get to see my Mom and Bill (my boyfriend) by 12 and this was 2. Finally, a nurse comes in, almost pissed off that I was yelling, and I tell her my nose is bleeding and that I didn't have the thing and that I still hadn't seen my Mom. By that point, I'm sobbing, hurting my scars and just plain upset. She was nice after that and did get my mom. When my nurse got there, she was an angel. Really. I swear. She was just the nicest woman and was so attentive and everything, just very motherly.

Anyway, the day goes on and I finally get water. It's all I wanted in the world. Now we have a problem. Usually this doesn't happen, but my swelling must be so bad, making the band super tight that the water wasn't getting down well. That in combination with the pain throughout my throat caused pain at the band site. It wasn't as bad until the broth came for dinner. That really hurt. The doctor wanted to keep me overnight because of the pain. I wouldn't have slept there. Well, it would have been a morphine sleep. But anyway, he decided to leave it up to me, and I came home. 

The swallowing is so much better now. I got down a good amount of liquids today and felt a ton better.

Things have been good and bad since then. I don't react well to anesthesia well. It makes me nausea for days. So, after the day at home, we called the doctor and he prescribed something and it worked wonders. 

Otherwise, I've just been really tired. I find myself taking naps each day, which probably has to do with the lack of calories on the liquid stage. It's okay though, I've lost 20 pounds since I began the pre-op diet and now. It's a real motivator, since I can see the weight leaving my face and it just feels great to see the numbers get lower.

So far, this is worth it. But stay tuned! We're going to see things change here!