Gotta Tough It Out

This is the time of the year when things get really stressful for me. It's the end of the summer term at school, which just seems to be more work than the end of any other term. And then there's preparing for the Fringe Festival, which is both exciting and nerve-racking. 

To make things worse, when I get this stressed out, all I want is junk food. Comfort food. I've always been someone to take comfort in food. Always. Ever since I was a skinny little kid and got made fun of at school, my Mom would bake me cookies. It's a way to cope. I've been really trying to find new ways to cope with hard situations, but it's baffling sometimes. I'm not sure what to do. 

I haven't been eating a whole lot, but what I do eat, is crap. I've been working on crafts, trying to get homework done and just generally trying to keep busy, but all I can think about is pizza (which I have trouble eating to begin with) and cheese fries and beer and brie with bread and Long Island Ice Tea's and pigs ears (my FAVORITE pastry, not actual animal ears or dog toys) and hoagies and everything else under the sun that I can feel making my mouth water. 

Ugh. I can't help it. And I can feel myself getting irritable (it's almost that time of the month) and it's not making the comfort food cravings any easier. I try to give myself enough to curb cravings when I have them, because I feel like if you tell yourself straight out NO to anything, it makes everything worse. 

I guess I should get dressed. We're suppose to go to a birthday party that I just don't want to go to. Oh well

Time Warp to the 40's

FINALLY!

I've made it below the 250's. I now officially weight 249.6. I've been struggling for awhile on the same few pounds, but now we're there. This also means I've officially lost 40.1 pounds - pretty awesome, isn't it?

I had a fill, I guess it was two weeks ago, and although I have a little more restriction, I know that I need more. He has me coming back in two weeks for another, as he didn't want to over do it. 

Random thought, he's now put 4cc's into my band, plus whatever was there to begin with. How does that compare with other people? I know it's not the same for everyone, I'm just trying to get an idea. 

But I'm below 250!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, excited impulse. I don't remember the last time I weighted less than 250 - but I'm pretty sure it was the beginning of Freshman year of college. I think I graduated high school weighing 225 - 230 ish and wearing a size 18 comfortably. Freshman year started and those 18's were tight and I started buying 20's. Then 22's. Then, I shoved myself into those 22's because I refused to buy a larger size. Now? The 20's are comfortable. Not overly big, but they stretch out over the course of the day, and then fall of a little bit. 

I better start going through my closet and finding my stash of size 18's. I'm going to need them soon. 

I have come to three conclusions lately.

1. I need a fill. I'm hungry. I don't like it. I haven't been really hungry in a long time. And I can eat more that I feel that I should. I NEED more food to make me full than I should. I'm not talking FULL, but just normally full - content. I go to the doctor on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

2. I need to remember to eat better. I think I give myself too much freedom sometimes. It's just, when it comes down to it, it's easier when at school. It's expensive for the good stuff and cheap for the crap. The crap is also easier to come by when everything else is closed for the summer term. This includes soda. I drink too much of it for a few reasons. It's easy to get at school, where other diet beverages are hard to come by. And I like it. It doesn't bother me to drink and it's there. Hopefully, after a fill, I won't be able to drink it anymore. I will say that it gives me terrible burping fits.

3. My Dad just might be right the moon thing. He told me, and I think I mentioned it, that your body retains more water when the moon is becoming full. I feel like I loose more after a full moon. It's been how every thing has been working at least.

On a non-band level, things are starting to get to me. I'm really busy between school, work and Fringe festival stuff. 

And now, due to my own insanity, I'm making crazy plans for crazy things for next year. I need to slow down and worry about today.

Almost to a Milestone

We're down! I lost another pound, bring me to 252 and the grand total lost to 38 pounds lost!

I'm pretty excited. I really want to get below the 250 mark before I go to the doctor on the 24th. I think that's a completely reasonable goal. It's 2 and a half weeks away. I can do this, if I really buckle down and work at it. 

I can't wait to get below the 250 mark. Being below the 250 mark seems to be another world to me right now. It's somewhere I want to be. It was my first goal - get below 250. Getting below 250 also means that I will have lost 40 pounds. 

It almost makes me want to make plans to see my Dad's family. I don't think they ever thought I'd loose weight. I'd always be the fat one. Sure, I can be smarter, work harder and do better in life than there kids, but I'd still be the fat one. I can't wait. I think I'm going to weight a little longer - maybe until I'm down 50 pounds - to make plans with them. Does this make me a shallow person? I don't think so. It's one of those things - family issues. Either way, I can't wait to show myself off. Memorial day weekend wasn't that big of a deal, mainly because my family in Chicago haven't seen me in years anyway. It makes you feel good - seeing people who haven't seen you since before surgery. Because even when they don't say anything, and my Dad's family won't, you still feel wonderful. You know they know. Does that make sense? 

Anyway. I should probably go get lunch. I only woke up an hour ago, so I guess I missed breakfast, but all the same. 

UPDATE - So, maybe eating lunch wasn't such a good idea after all. The first few bites were followed by a very long, and very painful, trip to the bathroom so that I could see my lunch again. Lovely. I'm sticking to low-fat, frozen yogurt - the Ben&Jerry's Cherry Garcia variety. A half cup is 160 calories and 3.5 grams of fat. Anytime I try to eat something normal after an 'episode', it's uncomfortable, so I avoid solids for a couple of hours.

Getting Down in Pounds and The Joy of Baseball

I've been fluctuating between 254 and 253 for about two weeks now. I just haven't been able to get down. After a weekend of splurging and enjoying myself, it's official. We're down. 252.9. I know it's not FAR down, but it's something. 

I've been really trying to get myself down below 250 for about a month and a half now. My weight loss has been VERY slow for the past two months. I lost a lot initially and it's frustrating that it's harder now. I didn't gain weight post-op, I just kept loosing. Right now, I'm 19 weeks post-op and have lost 37 pounds, officially. That's an average of 1.95 pounds a week. Now, that would be GREAT, if it was a steady loss. Like I said, I dropped so much initially that it's hard to deal with the slow pace now. 

And I really feel like I need a fill. I can eat much more than I should. We went to Wawa last night after a baseball game and I ate a Shorti hoagie, which is a 6 inch sandwich. I shouldn't be able to do that. I don't want to be able to do that. At least, after I ate it, I was comfortably full. I wasn't stuffed - but I wouldn't have been able to eat.

Yesterday, I went with my parents to a Trenton Thunder game. They're the local minor league baseball team and they're REALLY good. Well, before the game, I grabbed a pair of skinny cut jeans I had bought a few weeks ago on clearance at Old Navy and they fit even better than they did when I bought them. I was excited. Just thought I'd share.

On another note? The baseball game went on into the 14th inning - and the Thunder won 7-6. It was an amazing game. I love baseball, so any excuse to watch it for longer makes me happy.

I think I'm going to go out and get some Japanese for lunch. I've been craving sashimi and haven't had it in a while. 

The Moon's Water Weight

I had two small whole grain pancakes for breakfast, and now I feel overly full. Ugh. Not a great way to start a Friday.

I need to watch myself for the next few days. Yesterday and the day before, I wasn't a good bandster. I had brie (much more than I should have) and Sesame Chicken (which is just bad, but oh so good). The Chinese food would have been a better choice if I hadn't eaten the leftovers later last night. 

I have an appointment for July 24th for a weigh in. I'm not sure if they'll do a fill then, but I sure hope so. I can eat more than I want to be able to. 

And I need to be careful of soda. I do. Really. 

I think this is pretty funny though. My Dad told me not to weight myself as much because, apparently, you retain more water when the moon waxing than when it's waning. The moon controls the tides, so, why not? And right now, the moon is waxing and it's almost full. 

Crazy Asian Men.

Today. Today I was sitting inside because of the heat, waiting for my class. I prefer to sit outside, but it was just so damn hot. So today, I'm sitting here, across from the theatre space at school, waiting for my class that's in the basement of the theatre. 

So. I'm sitting there, reading. Then, this Asian man walks by and smiles at me, so, of course, I smile back politely. Then, another Asian man smiles at me. Again, I politely smile back. And then he comes over to me.

'Do you have the love of God in your life?' asks the Asian man. Except, his English isn't very good.

'Yes. Thanks. I do.' I lie. I want him to go away. I do not want to be saved today. Thanks.

'Are you Christian?' he asks.

'Yes.' 

'When were you converted?' Seriously dude? Wasn't yes enough for you?

'I was raised in the Lutheran church.' 

Then, he keeps going. I'm not going to bore you. My problem is, I don't want to be rude. I don't. Really. It's his thing and it can stay that way, but after a point, I told him I had to leave for class, which wasn't a lie.

This whole thing really upset me. I think it's mainly because I feel violated. 

My school is non-secular. No religion at all. I'm a spiritual person - I was raised Lutheran, but I most organized religion is full of crap. And this isn't about their faith - to each his own. Everyone has their own thing - that's great, enjoy it. But I feel like this man violated my person beliefs as well as my personal space and time. 

As I said, we're not a secular school, so I don't know why these guys were even there. I had seen them walking around earlier while I was at work, but hadn't paid any attention to them.

I don't know. I don't like being bombarded about my beliefs and I don't do it to others. It's different to have a conversation with a friend or whatever and discuss and compare, but this was really out of line. This was an accusation and condemnation. I don't know if he wanted to 'save' me or felt that all college students are heathens. Honestly, I don't care. It's over with.

But like I said, I still feel violated and hurt. I feel like, as long as you're not hurting anyone else, practice and believe in what you want. But he did hurt me - so it's not okay anymore. He invaded my world and tried to make me feel bad about what I believe (which I do not demonstrate in the outlined conversation, but happened as the conversation went on). 

Believe what you will, but don't force in on anyone, especially me.